Humour
Submitted by David G of Vancouver, BC
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Hamish and his wife Fiona go to the Highland Games every year, and every year Hamish would say, " Fiona I'd like to ride in that helicopter " Fiona always replied, " I know Hamish , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
Submitted by Lonnie J of San Diego, CA
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks. The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' ..The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!'
Submitted by Margaret D of Cambridge, ON
Biology Class - final exam Students in an advanced Biology class in Glasgow were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. Wee Hamish, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed. And then, Hamish was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang Indicating the end of the test, he wrote... 7.) It comes in 2 cute containers. Note: He got an A. |
Submitted by Joe B of Calgary, AB
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Morag - put your hat and coat on lassie.' She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?' 'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
Submitted by Laura of SLC, UT
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
Submitted by Damon Y of Toronto, Ontario
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambition?"
Submitted by William D of Calgary, Alberta
A Minister, a Doctor, a wealthy businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted, "I have never seen such poor golfers!"
The Scotsman chimed, "Och aye, We ha' been waitin' forever!"
The Businessman chipped in, "Move it on you guys!"
The Minister said, " Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hello George!" said the Minister. "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year; so we always let them play for free anytime they want to." The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Minister said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor commented, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman said, "I think I will donate $250,000 to the Fire Service benevolent fund in honour of these brave souls."
Finally the Scotsman exclaimed, "Why can't they play at night?!"
Submitted by Keith L of Toronto, Ontario
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'No-way they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
